Here is the second part of a very funny e-mail I received regarding hurricane preparedness.


Hurricane Proofing your property


As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, or visiting relatives. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool.


If you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately for this purpose. Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles, and you don’t want Uncle Milton and Auntie Cherise flying through your neighbor’s front window.


HURRICANE SUPPLIES


If you don't evacuate the island, you will need a bunch of supplies.


But don’t buy them now!


Bahamian tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the store and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.


In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:


- 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that you find out are the wrong size for the flashlights at the very moment the lights go off.


- Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. Nobody knows what the bleach is for, but it's also part of Bahamian tradition, so get some!)


- A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)


- $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator off the back of a pick-up truck from a man with no discernible teeth.


Of course, these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching US TV reporters in rain coats stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.


Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

A semblance of the following post was e-mailed to me from someone in Florida. Thanks to the person who came up with it. I hope they don’t mind, but I’ve modified it to fit Bahamas purposes.


Anyone who lives in the Bahamas, should be aware of hurricane preparations (hurricane season runs from June 1-November 30). But just in case you need a refresher course, we’ve compiled a comprehensive list of commonsense things to help you make it through.


Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some swirling radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.


(1) There is no need to panic, and
(2) We could all be killed.


Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in The Bahamas. If you're new to the islands, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."


Based on insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:


STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2: Pack these supplies into a plane.
STEP 3: Fly away to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.


Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in The Bahamas. So, for those people, we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:


HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

Most lenders require hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:


(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin


Unfortunately, if your home is located in The Bahamas, or any other area within 472 miles of an ocean, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance. Then they might be required to actually pay you money.


And that’s just not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.


So, you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company to provide coverage, and they will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the annual GDP of Equatorial Guinea. This may seem like a lot, but insurance executives quickly point out that it’s not as high as the annual GDP of Ghana.


However, you can often reduce your annual premium by making your deductible (the amount you must pay before an insurance company pays) higher. The insurance industry here in the Bahamas has issued general guidelines to assist you with this: To reduce your annual premium by $21.50 a year, you would need to up your deductible to a mere $1.25 million. On smaller homes, they recommend a deductible of just $812,000.


SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages for each. I’ve listed them below:


Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. Also, they are integral components of the raft you will need to float your TV, living room rocker, and granny to higher ground. The disadvantage is that you will need three 18-wheeler trucks to cart them from the store to your home.


Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps. And it will be December.


Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.


Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand the force of hurricane winds. You can be sure of this, because the Nebraska-based salesman says so.


More on Hurricane Preparedness in the Bahamas on my next post.

If you’re reading this and have been keeping an eye on this blog, you will quickly realize that the weather has, indeed, kept me grounded in Nassau for the time being.


While I wait for the wind and white caps to subside, I'm reminded of Jimmy Buffett's song, Trying to Reason With Hurricane Season (from the album, AIA):

Well, the wind is blowin' harder now
Fifty knots or there abouts,

There's white caps on the ocean.
And I'm watching for water spouts

It's time to close the shutters
It's time to go inside.

In a week I'll be in gay Paris;

That's a mighty long airplane ride.


Other than the Paris part, and the fact that it's not hurricane season yet (June-Nov), and wind speeds of about 25 knots, not 50, the lyrics are very appropriate.


I was hoping to bring you beautiful scenes of idyllic Norman’s Cay, complete with scenes of hammocks, gently swaying palm trees, brilliant white sand beaches, and crystal clear waters. Sadly, I’m forced to bring you this:


Keep your eyes peeled on this spot in the next few days, though. I’m bound to get to Norman’s eventually.

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